and at the mention of seattle, i forget california. the realization hits me: i’d praise anywhere, as long as it held you. so who am i, really? where am i going and why? these questions would be so much easier to answer if i had a passion in life. but i don’t, not really. i like frivolous things, like reading books, writing this, flirting with men who are too old for me, entertaining my friends, philosophy and coffee, free art museums and my own sad painting skills, the prospect of having long hair and being ten pounds lighter, sugary cereal with vanilla soymilk, song lyrics and poetry, the dream of an eloquent apartment in a city near the sea, running for hours, swimming for minutes, chocolate, and you. oh my god, you. if i knew you were mine for life, i’d have nothing else in the world to worry about.

but at the mention of seattle, i know you’ll be gone soon. maybe not to oregon, or california, or south korea, but you’ll go away because i see something in you that i once had in me. call it unrest, call it dissatisfaction, call it not-quite-love, call it my impending heartbreak. i felt it with the others; they were wonderful and kind and devoted – but i needed more and i couldn’t stop looking around. leaving each one of them was an easy slip. i don’t want you to slip away from me, but more importantly, i don’t want you to want to slip away from me. i want to be everything you need.

but at the mention of seattle, and my quick praising of the city, i know that i can’t change for you and i know that even if i were to try, it wouldn’t be enough. it’s not me, it’s you. you have changed me irrevocably but i think you’re the same person you were when i met you, with your cynicism and your chain, a chain pulling you to a different life. from day one, i knew you wanted out of everything i was in. but i fell for you anyway, and it’s not my time to leave yet even though your day of departure is impending.

at the mention of seattle, i call my best friend, and i hear her sporadic plans for her departure day. it finally sinks in; i can rely on no one. i need a dream, a new dream, a dream with no room for people and no hope for love. a dream that only changes with my mind, a dream i can pursue independently. but a dream is something you desire, and everything i desire involves more than me and more than my mind. i am nothing without love and others. but, thank you seattle, i have learned that i need to change.

at the mention of a suicide in the middle of the ocean, i am even more desperate to change. i may soon be living alone, but i will never die a lonely death. i will learn to turn sadness into enlightenment and pain into strength.

at the mention of seattle, i remember we have three months. at least three months. can we fit it all in three months? i hope it is impossible.